Merry Christmas to all...

...and to all, a good night!

Resolution 2011

I find it interesting how, even after 25 years, people never cease to surprise me. Our ability to forgive and our ability to hold grudges. Our ability to be sweet in person and then talk about each other behind our backs. How the people we love disappoint us and the people who we almost never gave a chance to can change our world. Our ability to completely disregard and discard others. In the past year I've been discarded by someone who was supposed to love me, degraded behind my back by those who would never say those words to my face, and been told by a close friend that my efforts at continuing our friendship make her feel "guilty." And during the same year, I've had acquaintances reach out to me during the darkest time in my last 5 years, friends make me laugh when I'm sure I was depression personified, and strangers try to console me during a loss. I've been on both sides, good and bad, giver and receiver, and I've decided to make this my New Years Resolution. Yes, I know its a few weeks early for this, but its my blog and I can do what I want. Besides, the upcoming weeks are going to require me to utilize these skills, so it can be practice for the New Year. In 2011 I am going to: forgive more easily, be more transparent, be more appreciative of those who have been there for me, and most importantly, move on from the past. Because the moral of the story is...holding grudges doesn't do anything except hold me back.

Giving Thanks

This is what my life has consisted of lately: work, lack of sleep, being lonely, missing my family, driving long hours, putting my cat to sleep, wishing I had a guy in my life that inspired butterflies, and my roommate being out of town for basically the last month.

But considering its Thanksgiving weekend I thought I'd take the time to put all that aside and make a list of all the incredible things in my life that I'm grateful for. It's always good to remind ourselves how lucky we are...

1. having a good relationship with my family

2. my health and the health of those I care about

3. being employed

4. actually enjoying my job

5. Peanut and Percy

6. the fact that Prancer was only in pain for a brief time before his death

7. my roommate Meagan, who has basically become my rock and without whom I probably couldn't have made it thru these last few months

8. my two oldest and best friends Alyson and Diana...having coffee with them today was the highlight of my month and I'm so grateful to know they'll always be in my life

9. all my other amazing friends and the great girls I met during nursing school

10. to have found love in my life, even if it didn't last

11. to be financially stable enough to afford a nice apt, a nice car, to live comfortably and to be able to donate to causes I feel passionately about

12. having an optimistic outlook for the future

13. the ability to travel

14. my faith in God

15. and all the trivial pleasures in life I am lucky enough to partake in...good food, good wine, good books, my big bed, my dvr, a good laugh, etc

There are so many more blessings I'm thankful for, but I think those are the most important to me right now.

In Memory of Prancer

Today, I had to put Prancer, my first pet who was truly "mine", to rest. Only 2 weeks ago the vet discovered a tumor wrapped around the base of his tongue. One week ago he had a biopsy, and today he's gone. I never realized things could happen this fast.

I have three fuzzy kids but Prancer was my first and therefore always had a special place in my heart. He always let all the other cats push him around at Pets Ahoy but all he ever wanted was some attention and some extra scratches and I knew I couldn't leave him there when I left. He was such a lover, always wanting to be around people and to see what was going on. Sometimes he could be a little pushy, but now that he's gone I miss him walking all over me, and tapping me in the face when it was time to wake up in the morning, his incessant purring and little squeaky meow. Every time I'd pick him up from the vet, all the techs would come out and tell me about all the 'stories' he told them and how sweet he was. No one was immune to Prancer's charms. And now without him the apartment seems so empty. He was such a small cat, but his personality could fill 10 rooms. I'll never be able to say enough about how amazing he was and how much I miss him.

Goodbye Prancer-butt. You were so so loved and will never be forgotten.

A Tribute to Taylor

So obviously I've been MIA from my blog for a few weeks, and this evening won't be much of a change considering I have to wake up for work in 5.5 hours, but I thoughts I'd devote at least a few minutes of my time to releasing some pent-up angst I've developed thanks to one of my favorite artists.

I love Taylor Swift. I do. I totally adore her. And since her new album, Speak Now, hit stores two weeks ago, I've been unable to put anything else in my CD player. Most of her songs are about nothing original...finding love and losing it later...but I believe she is so amazingly talented at expressing emotion in song and I defy anyone to not be able to relate to at least one of her songs. The fact that she is gorgeous and comes off as one of the sweetest, most genuine people alive doesn't make me love her any less either.

There's just one problem. Taylor's songs never cease to remind me of The Ex. It's like a curse. I get so elated listening to her music and yet torn down by memories at the same time. I'd hoped it would end
with her last album because "Forever and Always" was impossible to listen to without thinking of him.

"You said Forever and Always...you didn't mean it baby"

But now Speak Now is out and there's a whole new list of songs that hurl me unwillingly down memory lane. From "Enchanted" that haunts me with thoughts of how I felt after our first date:

"This night is flawless, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home.
I'll spend forever, wondering if you knew
I was Enchanted to meet you"

To the endless lines of lyrics that remind me of the End and the Now:

"Stood there and watched you walk away from everything we had
But I still mean every word I say to you.
He will try and take away my pain, and he just might make me smile
But the whole time I'm wishing he was you instead."


"All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss..."


"So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I'll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe"

Oh Taylor, its painful how much I love you and how much you hurt me all at the same time. But all I can do is continue to listen to your CD on repeat, shout the lyrics alone in my car, and wait until the song I identify with most is "Sparks Fly."

Notes from an RN

I PASSED!! I took nursing boards a week and a half ago and am now officially a Registered Nurse with a license to practice! In addition, I've officially accepted the job at Orlando Health and have completed my first week of orientation. I'll be starting on the Neurology floor for the first 5 weeks and will then have the opportunity to try a second unit before settling somewhere. So now that I have officially graduated from nursing school, passed the NCLEX and accepted a position I can cross off #1 on my To Do list:

1. Start a new career.

Not only was I able to cross off my number one goal for the year, but I was also able to take care of my #3 goal: Donate blood. When I was downtown on Monday the hospital was having a blood drive and I was able to make my first donation. So besides giving the gift of life, I also received this nifty t-shirt in the spirit of the month.

Now off to complete week two of orientation and I will officially be on the floor next week!

Boys Boys Boys

Right now its dark, late, and rainy and I have the apartment all to myself and the only thing I'm missing is some cuddling/spooning action. I should be more specific...I actually have three boys in my bed ready to cuddle, but I'd like one that is not covered in fur and that weighs more than 12 lbs, ha.


I'm in that weird post-breakup spot where I'm over the heart break and I've fallen out of love with The Ex but I haven't found anything new or exciting yet. I think thats one of the most frustrating things. It's easy to move on and forget, but once you've fallen in love I don't think you really ever completely get over the entire relationship until you fall in love again. I've been in love three times (none of them have worked out...not sure if that makes me lucky to have found love three times or unlucky to have it disappear 3 times before 25) and while I was over each before I became exclusive again, I don't think I stopped having the occasional wistful thought until someone new had completely entranced me. But this in between place is frustrating. Since I was about 16 I've only been single for roughly a year...a year and a half counting this period since The Ex...and I can't say I ever got too accustomed to it. But even when I'm not exclusive with someone, I usually have someone in my life. I just like companionship. I don't think every encounter needs to be the be-all-end-all and turn your world upside down; but its nice to have someone who's company you enjoy and that your physically attracted to in the meantime. I haven't had that this time around yet. I was involved with a few guys this summer but not consistently and it never reached the point of routine with anyone, not enough lasting interest on either side I suppose. And I've been on a few dates since I moved but no one that I've considered seeing twice. I've learned not to look for the Real Thing because the only time I've ever found it was when I was not looking at all, but it'd be nice to find Mr. Right Now for dark, late, rainy nights when I have the apartment to myself.


And speaking of The Ex...I hate how the breakup has turned me bitter. Not bitter about life or love or myself, but bitter about the little things. How I now hate everything to do with aviation and airplanes. How when I hear someone is in the military or see military stickers on cars I have a prejudice against that person instead of thanking them for their service. How when USF played Florida I couldn't decide who I wanted to win because my intense hatred for all things Orange and Blue almost couldn't beat out the feeling of wanting his alma mater to lose so he'd have a bad day. I hate country music, Toyota Tacomas, guns, and motorcycles, all because it brings him to mind and its a waste of brain cells to think of him. This is the first, last, and only paragraph that will be devoted to The Ex in this blog so just let me say that he is a coward for spending two years telling me he wants to marry me and then breaking up with me on the phone 5 days after seeing me in person because apparently he didn't have the balls or the respect to do it to my face. Whats worse is that he couldn't even vocalize a reason. Well you know what? You got scared like a little pussy when things became real and lost the best thing that you ever had. 


Okay, so maybe I'm a teensy bit bitter. But thats only more motivation to take his favorite city, my new home, and make it mine. Hold on to your hat Tampa, here we go...