Welcome to 2013. I don't feel as much like I entered this year gracefully and calmly, as I was drop-kicked into it. So far this year has been full of a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. And while the majority of those feelings have been negative, I'm now beginning to come out on the other side and find value in things breaking. Because when things break you have no choice but to move on or piece them back together, and either way, that defines a new beginning.
I have always been extremely cautious of my friendships. I'm the girl who has a few close friends that she holds close to her heart and takes a long time to nurture new relationships. Some of this has always been a part of me and some of it is a result of life experiences. I've lost many friends over the years. Some have just naturally grown apart, some have been a result arguments and disagreements that, once they occurred, we could just never see eye to eye again. In the past few years I have even had someone I considered to be one of my most dear friends tell me that my efforts to see her and keep in touch with her once I moved to a different city stressed her out and she didn't care to have me in her life anymore. That hurt, a lot. As a result, I can be pretty guarded and nothing means more to me than when someone tells or shows me that they truly value my place in their life.
2012 was a hard year on one of my friendships in particular. We began to grow in separate directions and instead of allowing that to bring depth to our friendship, we allowed it to tear us apart, even as we refused to recognize it. We each did things that, while they had nothing to do with the other person, still managed to build a wall between us. We made small acknowledgments along the way that this was happening, but never made any drastic efforts to change it. This resulted in her feeling unsupported by me with some important developments in her life and me feeling completely abandoned and as if our friendship meant nothing to her. Something had to give, and finally, right after the new year, it did.
As I've said many times before, I am not the girl who believes "everything happens for a reason." But occasionally things come together that makes me consider it possible. An acquaintance and fellow blogger, Becca, wrote this blog post 'To Endure the Betrayal of False Friendships' right as I needed to read something along those lines. I needed to know I wasn't the only one who had felt the ups and downs of friendships lately. And some of my other friends, seeing how devastated I was, completely stepped up and made me feel valued. For me, that is huge. I am so blessed with the new relationships I have developed over the last year and I cannot wait to nurture them and see how they grow. I have met some absolutely amazing girls that I now feel I would be lost without. It's only in the beginning days of our friendships and they already mean a lot to me.
New Years has always been my favorite holiday because, to me, its about new beginnings and fresh starts. And while I would have much preferred this new start to stem from something more positive, in the end, it truly doesn't matter what the catalyst is if you can learn something valuable from it. In the past two or three days, I've seen very small steps toward a new beginning with my friend and I'm cautiously optimistic. It will take awhile to completely heal the hurt, but she means the world to me and I would be devastated to not have her in my life. Sometimes things need to completely break in order to begin to put them back together.
So here is my New Years Resolution. 2013 is going to be about two things for me. The first is friendships. I want to spend a lot of time and attention on the friendships I currently have and make sure each one knows how special they are to me and how vital their role in my life is. I would be lost without them and I need to take the time to listen and care about everything that is important in their life. I would want the same. Secondly, I need to spend time on myself and my self worth. Some of hurt in this situation may not have happened if I had more faith in myself and who I am without the other people in my life. I have a bad habit of comparing certain life aspects with others and allowing jealousy to act as almost a third party in certain relationships. Fixing this is no ones responsibility except my own and I know working on this will only act to strengthen my relationships.
So here's to a new year and all the blessings it will bring, both obvious and in disguise.
Love,
KayCee
