Good Things

In this post at the beginning of the year I wrote that one of my new years resolutions was going to be to work on my friendships. I'm happy to say that a few months in, I do feel as though some of my friendships have grown stronger than they were at the beginning of the year. The one highlighted in that post particularly. It really took some time to step away and reflect and then the deliberate act of setting aside time to spend just with that person but I think the relationship we're currently (re)developing is solid. Friendships and relationships are work and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying or naive. But as Ben Affleck said at the Oscars they're "the best kind of work" and the rewards can be endless. 

On the note of friendships, I am excited to see the development of two more that I know are going to be very valuable to me over the next few years. My best friend Tiffany and I created a small study group with two other girls in our masters program and this group (or the "Core Four" as one of the girls has dubbed us) has been such a blessing in my life. When Percy died, I was met at study group with flowers and cards and chapstick (my favorite thing!), not to mention hugs and kind words, and I had barely known these girls a couple weeks! Since then, we've each had hard moments and there's been a few breakdowns, but somehow we've had the sense of security to be able to open up and bare parts of ourselves to each other that not many other people in our lives have seen. We all come from very different paths and are drastically different, yet share many of the same fears and values and anxieties. I am so so thankful for my Core Four and know they are going to enrich my life beyond words in the next few years.

And as for school...I am 3 weeks away from completing my first semester in grad school! One class is 100% done and once the extra credit points are factored in, I should pull off a solid A. As for the second...all quizzes and assignments are done, I just need to keep up with a few more weeks of lecture and kick some booty on the final! Getting back to school has been an adjustment (though, considering this is degree #3 it kind of feels like I've never left) but I am really excited for what its going to mean for my life in a few years. 

And one last Good Thing that I know will make everyone smile. Remember how I wrote that Florida Little Dog Rescue was going to name one of their recent rescues after me in honor of Percy? Well I have some pictures of her and am happy to announce that her adoption to a new home is currently pending! Some of the things her foster mom said about her on the website: "Kristen is well behaved and poses beautifully for the camera. She is very shy at first but once she gets to know you, she will be your best friend. She loves toys, cuddling, and giving lots of kisses!" There should be a picture of her with her new family on the FLDR website shortly and I will be sure to share that with you, but for now look at these pictures of how well she cleaned up after a good bath and some grooming!

I love those ears in the first picture and her smile in the second one. What happy girl she is! Percy and her would've been fast friends, I'm sure of it. 

Love,

KayCee

2013: A year of friendships and new beginnings

Welcome to 2013. I don't feel as much like I entered this year gracefully and calmly, as I was drop-kicked into it. So far this year has been full of a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. And while the majority of those feelings have been negative, I'm now beginning to come out on the other side and find value in things breaking. Because when things break you have no choice but to move on or piece them back together, and either way, that defines a new beginning. 

I have always been extremely cautious of my friendships. I'm the girl who has a few close friends that she holds close to her heart and takes a long time to nurture new relationships. Some of this has always been a part of me and some of it is a result of life experiences. I've lost many friends over the years. Some have just naturally grown apart, some have been a result arguments and disagreements that, once they occurred, we could just never see eye to eye again. In the past few years I have even had someone I considered to be one of my most dear friends tell me that my efforts to see her and keep in touch with her once I moved to a different city stressed her out and she didn't care to have me in her life anymore. That hurt, a lot. As a result, I can be pretty guarded and nothing means more to me than when someone tells or shows me that they truly value my place in their life. 

2012 was a hard year on one of my friendships in particular. We began to grow in separate directions and instead of allowing that to bring depth to our friendship, we allowed it to tear us apart, even as we refused to recognize it. We each did things that, while they had nothing to do with the other person, still managed to build a wall between us. We made small acknowledgments along the way that this was happening, but never made any drastic efforts to change it. This resulted in her feeling unsupported by me with some important developments in her life and me feeling completely abandoned and as if our friendship meant nothing to her. Something had to give, and finally, right after the new year, it did. 

As I've said many times before, I am not the girl who believes "everything happens for a reason." But occasionally things come together that makes me consider it possible. An acquaintance and fellow blogger, Becca, wrote this blog post 'To Endure the Betrayal of False Friendships' right as I needed to read something along those lines. I needed to know I wasn't the only one who had felt the ups and downs of friendships lately. And some of my other friends, seeing how devastated I was, completely stepped up and made me feel valued. For me, that is huge. I am so blessed with the new relationships I have developed over the last year and I cannot wait to nurture them and see how they grow. I have met some absolutely amazing girls that I now feel I would be lost without. It's only in the beginning days of our friendships and they already mean a lot to me. 

New Years has always been my favorite holiday because, to me, its about new beginnings and fresh starts. And while I would have much preferred this new start to stem from something more positive, in the end, it truly doesn't matter what the catalyst is if you can learn something valuable from it. In the past two or three days, I've seen very small steps toward a new beginning with my friend and I'm cautiously optimistic. It will take awhile to completely heal the hurt, but she means the world to me and I would be devastated to not have her in my life. Sometimes things need to completely break in order to begin to put them back together.

So here is my New Years Resolution. 2013 is going to be about two things for me. The first is friendships. I want to spend a lot of time and attention on the friendships I currently have and make sure each one knows how special they are to me and how vital their role in my life is. I would be lost without them and I need to take the time to listen and care about everything that is important in their life. I would want the same. Secondly, I need to spend time on myself and my self worth. Some of hurt in this situation may not have happened if I had more faith in myself and who I am without the other people in my life. I have a bad habit of comparing certain life aspects with others and allowing jealousy to act as almost a third party in certain relationships. Fixing this is no ones responsibility except my own and I know working on this will only act to strengthen my relationships. 

So here's to a new year and all the blessings it will bring, both obvious and in disguise.

Love,

KayCee

Philosophies for your life

So awhile back I found a link to this blog post and at the time it was something I really needed to read. Basically this kid (okay, guy that looks probably around my age) wrote a post about 8 simple philosophies that he thinks leads to a healthy life. I don't know if they are something that he came up with on his own or if they're something that he found somewhere and adopted for his own but I think they're all valid and things we could all benefit from reminding ourselves about occasionally.

I recommend you all go to the blog post and look at each of them but there's a few that I identified with in particular.

3. The right person at the wrong time is the wrong person.
This is something I constantly need to remind myself of. After having my heart broken and spending the last two years constantly searching for that happiness that I'd lost, this last week I've found a bit of peace about it. Dating is exhausting and I'm tired of the Three-Dates-and-Out experience that seems to have been on repeat for me. I finally just decided enough is enough and when it's supposed to happen it will. Don't get me wrong, I'm an impatient person by nature and this reprieve will only last so long. It also doesn't mean that I will stop being receptive should I see something positive coming my way, but the active pursuit has worn me down and I'm finally ready to abandon the idea that things Should and Will happen on my time. Okay God, you win.

4. A healthy body is a healthy mind.
Best quote I pulled from his elaboration of this point: "The prefrontal and temporal lobes of your brain typically shrink 1-2% per year as you get older, or even faster if you watch Fox News." *Insert smirk here* But seriously, this blogger also points out that you can actively reverse this trend by exercising regularly and finding the right balance between taking in the right amount of energy your brain needs but not taking in so many calories that your body uses them to lug your weight around instead of saving them for brain power.

5. The race is only with yourself.
This is a big one for me. I'm only 26 and I've already gotten two Bachelor degrees. I have a stable job. I'm pretty successful at that job. I have a nice apartment that I can comfortably afford. There are improvements I would like to make to myself physically, but I'm certainly no slob and I am actively making progress towards my goals. So what if I'm still deciding what I want to be doing in ten years? So what if I'm considering going back to school, which will have me starting over (again) at age 30. So what if I know people my age that are dating, engaged, or married? So what if one of my good friends is a freaking national level figure fitness model. I don't need to compare myself to them. You will always find someone who can beat you at your own game. Learning to be happy with where you are in your life and with what you have accomplished without constantly measuring yourself against others is probably the biggest key to happiness. As a competitive person it's sometimes a hard lesson for me to learn, but definitely a valuable and humbling one.

8. Act the part.
Fake it til you make it. You want to be outgoing? Talk to someone new! You want to sound educated? Research something that's going on in the world. I have always had an issue with being a little shy and very self-conscious but from sorority rush in college to performing onstage at Sea World to becoming a nurse there hasn't really been a lot of time to give in to the more anxious side of my personality. So I developed almost an alter-ego of myself who was happy, confident, and out-going that I could slip into when needed. And you know what? The more the years have passed, the more I realize I've gradually adopted this alter-ego into a true part of my personality where I don't have to consciously apply that persona anymore. So maybe this whole 'act the part' philosophy has some truth to it.

So some food for thought for the evening. And now I'm off to enjoy some wine and the Oscars :)

Love,
KayCee

Welcome to 2012

No I didn't die, or have any sort of 'Taken' situation happen to me while I was abroad, though it may seem that way since I haven't been heard from since I was in Europe. The trip was utterly amazing, but the idea of trying to encompass the entire experience in a blog when I returned seemed way too daunting a task. From there I was launched into a month of craziness at work as we transitioned into the 21st century and went from paper charting to being fully computerized which involved constant overtime to compensate for needing more nurses on the floor. This was immediately followed by the holidays, which need no elaboration on why my free time was few and far between and all of a sudden, I find myself at the end of January and severely tardy on my blog. So hi! Please forgive my absence.

2012 has been a year of lessons so far. Which is great because the world is supposed to end in 11 months anyway (unless of course you don't put your entire faith of our existence in the hands of the Mayans) so I may as well learn as much as I can about myself and life while I still have the opportunity. Where to begin?

First, I've learned that it appears I have a never-ending thirst for knowledge. Either that or I'm the most indecisive person ever when it comes to what I want to do with my life. Yes, after being out of school for only about a year and a half, I am yet again thinking about returning to academia. If things keep going this way, by the time I'm 30 I will have spent 9-10 years pursuing higher education and only 3 years working full-time without participating in some sort of class at the same time. Definitely not what I ever thought I'd be doing. But recently I've been heavily considering pursuing my ARNP (Nurse Practitioner for you non-medically minded folk). There's a few programs in the Tampa area that I could pursue part-time, while still working full-time, and be done in 3 years. I basically fell into nursing and am so glad that I did because I really enjoy it, but I've never had a solid plan about what I want to do with my degree. But I've been on the floor for a year and a half now, it'll be 2 years if/when I start classes, and will be 5 years by the time I'm done. I know that I want to continue working in the field but not sure if I want to be on the floor past 5 years. Pursuing this degree will allow me more options in the future, better scheduling opportunities, and of course making twice the paycheck doesn't hurt either. And if I start this year I can achieve my ARNP with a Masters degree instead of pursing a Doctorate in Nursing, which is going to become law in the near future. So its definitely something I've been thinking and praying about recently.

Other things I've learned...disillusionment has been a big theme this year. I am not the girl who thinks she needs a man in her life to be complete or happy. However, I did spend almost all of my time between the ages of 16-24 in one serious relationship or another. So these last two years have been a harsh lesson in independence for me. And while I don't need a man to feel whole, I have definitely realized that I'm happier when I have that person in my life to share the triumphs and tragedies with. So instead of waiting around for him to find me (remember, I'm not the girl who thinks 'things happen for a reason' or 'if its meant to be, it will be'...I'm too cynical for that) I've tried to be proactive in putting myself out there to meet other similar minded people. Granted, I still have a lot of progress to be made in getting myself out of my comfort zone, but thats another story, the point is I'm trying. However, so far every dating situation I've found myself in has not been successful. And by not successful I mean has ended badly. Why is it that guys work so hard to get your attention, to get you to trust them, to make you believe they have good intentions and as soon as they accomplish this they change their minds, decide you're not what they want, get scared of where this is heading, or think you're not worth the risk. If you don't know what you want, if you just want a physical relationship, even if you want to date more than one person...I'm not going to condemn you for any of these things, but just be up front about it! Or even if you do a complete 180 about what you want in the middle of being involved with someone, I completely respect that...if you're up front about it. The only thing I ask for is honesty up-front. But apparently it is unrealistic to expect such behaviors in this day and age. I'm exhausted and heavily considering joining a convent. Or becoming a crazy cat-lady. I'm still undecided.

On the bright side...2012 is looking great for me in terms of friendships. I still have a kick-ass roommate that I adore, my best friend is staying in Tampa long-term, I have a budding relationship with one of my coworkers that I'm super excited about, and I'm just optimistic about expanding my social circle in general. Despite a somewhat shaky beginning, I have high hopes for this year. New Years Eve isn't my favorite holiday just for the party. New beginnings have always been intoxicating for me and I'm finally ready to embrace this one. 2012...here goes nothing!

Dealing with Disappointment

I'm an angry blogger. I know this. The unspoken rule with facebook statuses that sometimes carries over into blogs and other such public forums is to post when your life is going particularly well so everyone sees just how fabulous it is to be you. Or to write about something so maddening that everyone can't help but chime in on and once again...oh aren't you so popular with your 50 replies.

I'm the opposite. I love sharing good news and writing about the highs in my life. But I'm most inspired to blog, or just write in general, when I'm sad/upset/mad/hurting. It's like I mentioned a couple entries ago...for some reason my thoughts and feelings feel like they carry more weight when I can see them spelled out in front of me, whether or not they're viewed by anyones eyes besides my own. And I preface this entry this way because again tonight I was inspired to write because I was hurting. I want to get it all out of my system and just leave it on the page.

I won't describe tonight's inspiring drama. In fact I wrote a few paragraphs before this one and just deleted them because they weren't the point of this entry. My question is...how do you deal with the disappointment? I've never been good at that. I feel like I'm perpetually starting over (in all areas of my life) so why aren't I an expert by now? Shouldn't there be a check list someone's developed by this point? Complete steps one through eight and you're done. I'm impatient and I admit it. I'm tired of going through the trial and error of dating. I'm tired of putting energy into a friendship only to be told my effort into keeping lines of communication open are causing her stress. How do you remind yourself that is all part of a plan when you've never truly, completely believed things happen for a reason? How do you accept being let down and move on from it, a stronger person? How do you remind yourself that the fault is with them, even though you're the one wounded? When someone figures all that out, I'd love to be let in on the secret.

What's currently circling my brain

I get questioned by people sometimes about how I am able to open up about some personal things on my blog. I try to leave out names and situation specifics depending on what I'm talking about, but when it only refers to whats going through my head, I don't always feel the need to censor. I'm not sure why that is. I've never been a person who is particularly private with most aspects of my life. If you want to know something, I will usually be up front with my thoughts and opinions. This blog has simply become an extension of that. I'm not sure why my thoughts seem as if they have more validity to me when they're shared. But sometimes when things run through my head a lot, the only way I can seem to progress to the next thought is to share them with the world. And I guess I preface this blog with those thoughts because I feel the need to purge whats been circling in my brain once again.

There's a couple things I've been struggling with lately and they're not things I like to dwell on. The first is that I find myself rather envious lately and that is not one of the seven deadly sins that I often struggle with. There's one thing in particular this envy has focused on but it has taken other forms as well. It's not an emotion I'm comfortable or familiar with and therefore I'm having a hard time finding the tools to overcome it with.

Another problem I've been having is trying to break bad habits. I am a creature of routine, immediate pleasure, and comfort. I admit it. I like the easy, obvious pay off. But I have a few things in my life at the moment that need to change or that I need to give up and I'm having a hard time accepting that. How do you give up something that you know will ultimately be disastrous when it makes you happy in the moment? And how do you convince yourself to put all the hard work in now, and to stick to it, when you know you won't see the fruits of your labor for some time to come?

I know this was a particularly abstract and vague post but I don't think its necessarily fair or appropriate to share all the details in this type of forum. For those of you that pray, I would appreciate your thoughts in helping me become stronger in these current struggles. And for those that don't...a simple pat on the back and 'you can do it!' will suffice! :)

Fresh Start #2

So 7 months ago I moved my life over to Tampa but the transformation has been incomplete because I'm still commuting to Orlando for work which has made it hard to feel like a true Tampa citizen and meet new people. Well, I can now announce that in 3 weeks I will officially begin working for Tampa General Hospital in their Neuroscience Unit and will no longer have to commute. Its a bit bittersweet for me because I've only had the opportunity to work at ORMC for 6 months and I feel bad for leaving so soon and will miss my coworkers a lot, but I'm excited to actually be working where I live and be able to sleep in my own bed every night. I think this will be really good for me. So here goes fresh start #2!


One thing thats just been haunting me lately is all the changes I went through a year ago and how all of that happened because I wasn't this flexible, adventurous person. I've never been someone who believes things happen for a reason, I think we create our own fate. At the same time I try not to focus on things that have already happened because you can't change them. But I think these instances in particular have been haunting me lately because I have grown into the exact person that I needed to be last year. I feel like I'm more accepting, more willing to try new things, more willing to experiment, and more flexible than I was last year. If I was a person who thought things happened for a reason, I would think I went through that to become this person so I wouldn't lose something so important to me the next time around. But being me, all I can do lately is lament that it took losing so much for me to realize what's important. Sticking to what you know, whats safe and familiar isn't so important. Getting that verbal commitment out of someone isn't so important when actions are telling you everything you need to know. I know its not good to dwell in the past, but somethings holding me back. I guess I just to have to try and accept the lesson learned but its hard when reminders keep invading your dreams. Literally. I miss what I lost and I don't know how many times I have to mentally accept that before I can move on.


But on a happy note...my family comes to visit next weekend! My sister has been to visit a few times but my parents haven't been to Tampa since before I moved in so I'm excited to get to show them my apt and where I live. I think we're going to go to the zoo, the Dali museum, and maybe try to hit up the beach. I can't wait for the Clark Family invasion!

Why I date like a boy

In the year I was single before my last relationship and the year I've been single since, I've made an effort to date and have fun but not get attached to every guy that comes along. The way girls approach dating is dumb. You're not going to be swept off your feet by a guy every time you go out to a bar and he's definitely not going to make you priority #1 over everything else in his life after date 2. Thats ridiculous and unrealistic.

Guys have it figured out. You should go out and have fun with your friends at every opportunity. If you meet someone, take advantage. But live in the moment, instead of looking toward the future. If you find someone you click with, great. Hang out, get dinner, go to a bar, hook up, watch a movie but don't try to turn it into something more than it is. I've found that finding someone I can get along with, enjoy spending time with, and have sexual chemistry with is more rewarding than getting all wound up about worrying about labels and exclusivity. Trust me, if a guy is only about you, he'll make it plain as day eventually. But having a casual relationship in the meantime can still help you feel smart and fun and desired with the added benefit of still being able to have your girls nights out, and not having to schedule your calendar around someone else's schedule, and be free to meet any other guys that you might have something equally as good or better with. I've met some people who don't understand how I'm able to spend time with someone or hook up with a guy and stay unattached, but for me I don't understand why every encounter has to be so life-changing. I'd rather get what I can out of people at that moment, have a blast, and then part on equal and happy terms.

I'm not completely cynical. I'll meet someone that will change my way of thinking eventually. I have a few times in the past so I know eventually I'll meet someone that will make me forget anyone else with testosterone even exists. So if you've met him, great. But my Be All is still elusive so until then I'm going to continue taking a page from the Male Handbook and just have some fun.

Resolution 2011

I find it interesting how, even after 25 years, people never cease to surprise me. Our ability to forgive and our ability to hold grudges. Our ability to be sweet in person and then talk about each other behind our backs. How the people we love disappoint us and the people who we almost never gave a chance to can change our world. Our ability to completely disregard and discard others. In the past year I've been discarded by someone who was supposed to love me, degraded behind my back by those who would never say those words to my face, and been told by a close friend that my efforts at continuing our friendship make her feel "guilty." And during the same year, I've had acquaintances reach out to me during the darkest time in my last 5 years, friends make me laugh when I'm sure I was depression personified, and strangers try to console me during a loss. I've been on both sides, good and bad, giver and receiver, and I've decided to make this my New Years Resolution. Yes, I know its a few weeks early for this, but its my blog and I can do what I want. Besides, the upcoming weeks are going to require me to utilize these skills, so it can be practice for the New Year. In 2011 I am going to: forgive more easily, be more transparent, be more appreciative of those who have been there for me, and most importantly, move on from the past. Because the moral of the story is...holding grudges doesn't do anything except hold me back.

Boys Boys Boys

Right now its dark, late, and rainy and I have the apartment all to myself and the only thing I'm missing is some cuddling/spooning action. I should be more specific...I actually have three boys in my bed ready to cuddle, but I'd like one that is not covered in fur and that weighs more than 12 lbs, ha.


I'm in that weird post-breakup spot where I'm over the heart break and I've fallen out of love with The Ex but I haven't found anything new or exciting yet. I think thats one of the most frustrating things. It's easy to move on and forget, but once you've fallen in love I don't think you really ever completely get over the entire relationship until you fall in love again. I've been in love three times (none of them have worked out...not sure if that makes me lucky to have found love three times or unlucky to have it disappear 3 times before 25) and while I was over each before I became exclusive again, I don't think I stopped having the occasional wistful thought until someone new had completely entranced me. But this in between place is frustrating. Since I was about 16 I've only been single for roughly a year...a year and a half counting this period since The Ex...and I can't say I ever got too accustomed to it. But even when I'm not exclusive with someone, I usually have someone in my life. I just like companionship. I don't think every encounter needs to be the be-all-end-all and turn your world upside down; but its nice to have someone who's company you enjoy and that your physically attracted to in the meantime. I haven't had that this time around yet. I was involved with a few guys this summer but not consistently and it never reached the point of routine with anyone, not enough lasting interest on either side I suppose. And I've been on a few dates since I moved but no one that I've considered seeing twice. I've learned not to look for the Real Thing because the only time I've ever found it was when I was not looking at all, but it'd be nice to find Mr. Right Now for dark, late, rainy nights when I have the apartment to myself.


And speaking of The Ex...I hate how the breakup has turned me bitter. Not bitter about life or love or myself, but bitter about the little things. How I now hate everything to do with aviation and airplanes. How when I hear someone is in the military or see military stickers on cars I have a prejudice against that person instead of thanking them for their service. How when USF played Florida I couldn't decide who I wanted to win because my intense hatred for all things Orange and Blue almost couldn't beat out the feeling of wanting his alma mater to lose so he'd have a bad day. I hate country music, Toyota Tacomas, guns, and motorcycles, all because it brings him to mind and its a waste of brain cells to think of him. This is the first, last, and only paragraph that will be devoted to The Ex in this blog so just let me say that he is a coward for spending two years telling me he wants to marry me and then breaking up with me on the phone 5 days after seeing me in person because apparently he didn't have the balls or the respect to do it to my face. Whats worse is that he couldn't even vocalize a reason. Well you know what? You got scared like a little pussy when things became real and lost the best thing that you ever had. 


Okay, so maybe I'm a teensy bit bitter. But thats only more motivation to take his favorite city, my new home, and make it mine. Hold on to your hat Tampa, here we go...

Lonely thoughts

Why is it that being surrounded by people can sometimes feel more isolating than actually distancing yourself from others? I have the most amazing best friends in the world but I hate that everyone is so scattered, which makes it extremely rare that I can be with more than one of my best friends at once. Outside of my family, there is 5 people who truly know who I am and where I came from. Three of those have known me since I even begun figuring out who I was. But those 5 people are scattered over Tampa, Orlando, Tally, Memphis and Destin and its been way too long since I've been surrounded by more than one of them at the same time. Too often I'm surrounded by groups of people with history, who know each others stories and can finish each other's sentences. Even when I have genuine affection for these people I end up feeling lonely and resentful that I am not surrounded by those who have the same love for me. One of my goals for Tampa is to meet some new people that I can add to my life-long friends list. I try my best to be open and outgoing when I am around others and meet new people, but I am so self conscious sometimes that it can feel debilitating even if others don't perceive it. I'm going to attempt to be more honest and trusting and just pray that it doesn't get me hurt. It's just scary because I recently found out that a group of people I had hung out with a lot this summer has been talking about me behind my back. Now, I don't mean to imply that I am so important that I've been any sort of headline, I just know things have gotten around. For some reason people think they can tell one of my best friends things they've discovered about me or thought about me and it won't get back to me. If this is information that only one or two people know, and I've never mentioned to anyone, its pretty easy to figure out how its got around and who's been discussing it. I'm a grown woman and I can decide how I want to live my life and I stand by what I've done. I just wish people would ask me directly if they want to know if something is true or just leave it alone like mature adults. But I suppose thats asking too much. I'm not innocent, I've been on the other side and probably done the same and probably will again. It just bothers me that people spread private information or form opinions about me without getting my side. 

Alright, well that started in one place and went somewhere completely different. But I'm going to go to sleep now and wake up on the happy, optimistic side of the bed.